WHAT IS MASKING?
So we all know how to "try and fit in". We have all been there. The place where you might wear certain clothes or speak a certain way to try and fit in with the crowd. Imagine doing that 24/7 for your whole life....that's a bit similar to what masking is like. You spend your whole life observing and listening to what the world is like around you, in the hope that if you come across in the same way, you might get accepted. Masking is much more prevalent in females with autism and is mostly seen in those of a high functioning presentation.
REASONS FOR MASKING
I can guarantee that the majority of people masking have no idea they are doing it. It will have become a normal behaviour for you and therefore separation between your "masking" behaviour and the "genuine" you can become really tricky. It is absolutely exhausting living life this way because you never get to have down time or truly relax.
I can hear you asking the question....why do it? Sadly, a large majority of autistic women will have been bullied and ridiculed their whole life for the way they are. They will have been made to feel like a naughty child or perhaps not socially acceptable. So masking is the way of hopefully gaining acceptance and staying out of harm's way.
UNMASKING
Once you learn to trust individuals you might find that you start allowing them to see you unmasked. I personally have only ever let one person see the true unmasked version of myself. It takes so much time and communication to build the kind of relationship that allows you to unmask. Unmasking makes you extremely vulnerable and so it is natural to protect that side of you.
I would say there is one big tell-tale sign that I'm masking and that is when I get very socially tired. It often occurs amongst big groups of people or even new people I'm not familiar with.
BECOMING MORE AWARE OF YOUR OWN MASKING
For me, masking became apparent after I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. The diagnosis process is very lengthy, and you have to speak to lots of different doctors and they delve quite deeply into your past, and also how you interact with life right now. I can remember telling one doctor that I've always felt like an alien 🤣. As weird as that might sound, it was exactly what I felt. I never understood why people seem to communicate in this strange "grey" area. Why can't people just give straight answers? I also couldn't figure out why people pretend to like things when they actually really didn't.
And I definitely could not understand how people could survive with the constant loud noises, sensations, tastes, smells and feelings that suffocate me on a daily basis.....it turns out these are all super normal experiences for a neurodivergent woman, and from that I started to realise that I was in fact not an alien but someone who had just spent their whole life "trying to fit in". Once I figured that all out, I slowly have been able to start separating what are "masked" behaviours from the "genuine Monnie" ones.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOMEONE JUST SOCIALLY FITTING IN AND AUTISTIC MASKING?
This one has a very simple answer - masking is 100% of the time. It doesn't just start up when you're in a new environment such as a job interview or amongst new friends. It is 100% of the time, from the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep. It can be a completely unconscious effort and therefore different to simply fitting in.
I hope this has been helpful, not only to those who have had a lifetime of masking, but also to those around us who might see what we are struggling with. My most helpful piece of advice is BE KIND. If you see a loved one, a friend or even a family member being brave enough to truly unmask around you - don't judge, don't question. Just allow them to be happy within their space. You being kind and allowing them the time to unmask might be the difference between them feeling safe to unmask with you in the future or not.
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